What happens when we’re getting too hot?
What happens when we’re getting too hot?
Meditation is a fantastic way to calm your mind, so you’re more in touch with the Great Outdoors when you’re out in it.
However, outdoor meditation can be challenging – and usually requires a tailored approach.
Here are three meditations that I’ve found super-useful while hiking in the UK.
Those clouds are really dark, aren’t they?
And look at how those hills are disappearing ahead, where that suddenly bone-cold wind is coming from.
It’s OK, though. Take a deep breath – and – just – release it. Feel it travel out of your body, from your deepest place to your emptiest place. Feel the air passing, watch it go with your inner mind’s eye – until only you remain, calm and still and ready for anything.
It was Billy Graham who said, “Without dark clouds in our lives, we would never know the joy of sunshine.”
Well, good for him. And didn’t he live in North Carolina, where it’s generally pretty warm all year round – at least 20 full degrees warmer than here?
Yes he did.
It’s raining hard now. Proper stair-rods.
But that’s OK too. Let it pass. Let it be. Allow it and accept it. You can always choose to do that. After all, discomfort always passes in time. Misery is just a matter of attitude. You can’t control what happens to you. You can only control your response to it.
And maybe your response right now is, “I shouldn’t have got my waterproofs from that metal bin in Primark.”
You’ll know next time.
But that’s next time, and right now, you’re completely and utterly…
Wait. Seriously? Is…? Is that…?
Yes, it is. After less than five minutes, the rainwater has now reached your underpants.
You know you’ve got at least another six hours of walking ahead of you, and this rain isn’t going anywhere. And you can feel the skin of your inner thighs starting to squeak and chafe with every step.
Where did you leave that little tub of Vaseline?
You left it at home, didn’t you?
Take another long, deep breath, in through the nose.
The air smells so fresh, doesn’t it? Like those times in your life when you remember it rained for days and you wished you’d been born literally anywhere else in the world.
But take the air in, take it deep, like something between a gift and a curse. Take a big gulp.
The rain doesn’t have it in for you. The rain isn’t a pitiless arsemonger that is spitefully defying what the BBC Weather app told you this very morning, hence you deciding to keep walking after lunch. The rain isn’t that much of a bastard. The rain just is.
Keep telling yourself that. Yeah.
And as you do so, let that deliciously crisp, invigorating, cold, wet, vicious, hateful air into your lungs – and let yourself make a noise so someone standing next to you could hear it. “Fuuuuuuhh…”
Now let it out hard. Make a “CK!” sound. The louder the better.
Really scream it, if you like. Let the veins in your forehead and neck stand out proudly.
Keep doing that. Keep that virtuous cycle going. It won’t make you feel calmer, but it might warm you up a bit.
The world has a sound, a kind of music, and if you listen hard enough, if you still the waters of your mind and hold your breath, you can hear it.
Can you hear it?
Is it like a faint, high-pitched whine?
That’s actually tinnitus. Because you haven’t eaten for two days, and now you’re starting to suffer. Acid bile races up and down your gullet like the Severn Bore.
Maybe if you’d been smart, and had any semblance of self-control, you could have made that family pack of Twixes last, and saved all those McVities breakfast bars for actual breakfasts. And how you went through those three multipacks of Chewits you’ll never know.
Maybe having six meals a day for two days in a row also wasn’t the smartest thing ever.
But it’s fine. You’re here now, in the outskirts of the absolute cutest little village, and the sun is beaming down, like a warm light of forgiveness thawing your frozen, agonised soul.
You’re only a few minutes away from the shops, according to the map. Almost there, Sisyphus.
Didn’t Rebecca Solnit say, “We treat desire as a problem to be solved, address what desire is for and focus on that something and how to acquire it rather than on the nature and the sensation of desire”?
And isn’t this gnawing hunger a desire? A raw human experience, the kind you came here for? Something to cherish, especially when you know it’s definitely on the way out?
Here’s the mini-supermarket! And…
Look at the door.
Just – look. Empty your mind. Don’t…no. No.
Don’t think about it. It doesn’t say that. It doesn’t. Don’t let it. If you don’t think about it, then maybe…
Maybe it doesn’t say CLOSED. There’s something in your eye. Or you’re hallucinating. It’s not closed, obviously. Because that would be So, So Bad. So it doesn’t. Does it?
Yes. Because it’s Sunday.
You forgot. Nowhere is open today. Literally nowhere. This is how the UK countryside works. On Sundays, you eat what you already have, or you die. That’s how it works.
But take heart, weary traveller, for as Robert Frost once said…
Bugger Robert Frost. Bugger everything. You’re hungry and you want food. Could you knock on someone’s door? Or maybe break it down?
Suddenly the rain is lashing at you hard, and there’s absolutely nowhere you can take shelter, and this is when you remember there’s a Freusli bar right at the bottom of your rucksack.
Are you really going to turf out all your stuff, in the middle of a rainstorm, just to get it? Are you really?
It’s going to taste so good.
Relax – and lean back. Scan down your body. Feel the contact between your sodden, tattered waterproofs and the car seat.
Feel the smooth fake leather of the seat against your fingertips. Soft, yet cheap.
Watch the Forest Fresh Magic Tree air freshener swing merrily back and forth under the rear-view mirror.
Be grateful. You did the right thing. Yes you did. Yes.
Take a long, deep breath. The air smells of stewed thermos coffee, Sour Cream & Chive Pringles and something that isn’t pine, but it’s okay. And you’re grateful.
Brian is telling you about how the Mark II Vauxhall Cavalier was made for weather like this – not the Mark III, which any fool knows was a shameless attempt to muscle into the Japanese market. The Japanese make good cars but they have no soul, he tells you. You nod.
Miriam is watching Michael Palin on her iPad. It’s very, very sunny where he is.
The car sways alarmingly as a fist of gale-force rain slams into the side of it, so Brian slows down, but probably not enough on a day like this, even for a road as straight as this.
You watch a campsite go by. That’s the fourth one now. You remember it clearly: when the very first campsite appeared, you were going to ask them to stop. “No, no, it’s fine. Thank you SO much, but I’ll be good from here onwards. Not a problem. Thank you!”
But that’s four now.
As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said: “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” Maybe that works for campsites too.
And that’s five.
Be self-loving and congratulate yourself. Offer empathy, as if you were someone else, someone you actually respected. It’s okay. You did the right thing. A three-hour rainstorm would break anyone, and while it’s only day six and you had another four weeks of planned walking ahead of you, it’s basically done, more or less. You’ve proven your worth as an adventurer. You didn’t need to, but you proved it. Inner high-five! You’re a hero!
I am a hero.
No, be kinder.
Miriam’s got bored of Michael Palin and now she’s on Countryfile. Sleepy forest paths pierced by sunbeams fill her screen, and now John Craven is wearing a rucksack exactly like yours.
Don’t…take it personally. Don’t. He has a film crew and he’s probably loaded. He doesn’t look smug, but that could be his BBC training. He doesn’t know the lonely horror you’ve been through, the impossible choice you faced, the surrender that was thrust upon you. He never will.
You’re at the city limits now. In the last 45 minutes, the car has covered the distance you’d put aside for the rest of July.
They can drop you off at the train station, you tell Brian. They’ve done you such a favour, and you’re so grateful. You realise it’s the eighth time you’ve said that, but that’s okay. They understand. Nobody is judging you today. That’s for later.
The car is slowing. Don’t look in the rear-view mirror. Don’t meet your own eyes. Fumble in your rucksack, look like you’re preparing for the next leg, not searching for your wallet so you can check if your return ticket is valid this early.
It’s okay. Breathe all the way out – and once again.
Nobody ever needs to know.
What happens when you’re getting too cold?Read More
As you probably know by now, I’m a lover of the absurd but rather magnificent practice of occasionally pretending bedrooms don’t exist.
This involves finding somewhere else to sleep, like perched on the side of a hill, or suspended between two trees in a hammock – or, thankfully very rarely, in a corner of a field in Orkney with the rain hammering down on me.
All this sounds extremely foolish until you have a go – then it’s just mostly foolish, but also enormously life-affirming in a way it’s difficult to put your finger on. I’d recommend it to anyone.
It’s also, as I noted in my last post, a good way to battle insomnia and muddled sleep patterns – and, once you get past the nervy thrill of not having four walls around you for a change, it can relax your stressed-out brain and body an absolute shedload.
Fancy giving it a go? Because this Saturday, the night of the 11th July, there’s the perfect excuse.
What happens when you refuse to sleep? Answer: a living nightmare.Read More
The title of this post is a clickbaity lie, and I’m a fraud for writing it.Read More
Things to do when bored – the ultimate WTF-seriously guide to finding something to do when you’re at a loose end.
(Originally written in 2012; updated May 2020)
Hey. So I saw your tweet. You’re “bored”?
These are weird times. Hope you’re okay.
Here’s a thing I’ve now learned about a pandemic lockdown: if you don’t have a home to lock yourself down in (because you sold a house last summer and intended to spend a year renting your way around Europe) – well, you have to rethink your plans very quickly.Read More