You’re probably here because you pitched something to me by e-mail.
If you pitched something to me and I responded normally, my apologies – you’re here by accident, and you’re one of the many people I’m enduringly grateful to, for approaching me when you didn’t need to, for having great ideas and rock-solid integrity, for helping me do my job, and generally just being, you know, nice.
If you pitched something to me and I responded with a number and a link to this page, this page is for you.
And we’re playing a game.
It’s called The Pitching Game, and the rules are simple. The number you received is the amount of points I’ve awarded you, according to which boxes your e-mail ticks, as below.
Best of luck!
|Getting my name wrong…||10|
|Giving me more than one name across the whole e-mail…||30|
|Failing to recognise I’m a man…||50|
|Abbreviating my name in a chummy way, eg. “Mikey-boy”…||100|
|Abbreviating my name in a creepy way, eg. “MikeymikeyMIKEY”…||1,000|
|Calling me by the first word in my e-mail address, which isn’t my first name…||15|
|Not bothering to use a name at all, eg. Dear Sir…||0|
|Using my surname as my first name…||0 (possible culture difference)|
|Using my surname as my first name & you’re based in London…||500|
|Complimenting me on my blog in a way that avoids mentioning anything specific about it…||50|
|Failing to recognise I write about travel or writing…||40|
|Failing to recognise I write about anything except what you’re pitching me…||80|
|Taking a wild stab that I’ve been hospitalized/burgled/suffered from ill-fortune in some way, and starting with an inspecific “I heard about your troubles, hope you’re ok!”…||20|
|Compare me somehow to Dan Brown, Stephenie Meyer or Adam Sandler…||Death|
|Offering me a sponsored post “for free”…||50|
|Offering me a sponsored post “for free” and hammering home how grateful I should be…||150|
|Name-dropping a friend who, when I check, has never heard of you…||100|
|Using buzzwords or acronyms incorrectly, eg. “I am expert with niche” or “trained in CRM, CPR & Deep Blog”…||20|
|Telling me what my readers really want…||50|
|Telling me I’m not running my website in a way that people will find either useful and/or enjoyable…||250|
|Having no compelling story to pitch other than “I’m awesome/I’m a guru”…||50|
|Using the word “guru” without obvious irony…||100|
|Asking me to compete with other bloggers for the right to work with you – eg. Who Garners The Most Likes On Facebook Shall Be The Anointed One…||1,000|
|Having a Google avatar of a celebrity, eg. Liam Neeson or Tom Hanks…||50|
|When questioned about celebrity avatar, claim it’s really you…||Ban + e-mail to police|
|A MySpace or Facebook e-mail address…||100|
|An email that appears to be a string of random characters before the “@”…||200|
|Tellingly, your introduction is in a different font type and font size to the rest of the e-mail…||25,000|
Image: Waldo Jaquith.