I Intend To Execute My Corporate Duty: Pt. 1

MikeachimLunacyLeave a Comment

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TO:                  All
FROM:           Tom Paine
SUBJECT:   I’ve been thinking.

This isn’t just yet another Fwd. (ps. Jim – thanks for the one with the clowns, I nearly soiled myself). There are some things that need sorting out here. Washington’s team is doing some great work but is getting bogged down with all sorts of procedural red-tape, and this is supposed to be a *Fast Track Project*. Doing things the old way simply isn’t going to work. We’ve got thirteen workstreams lying dead in a ditch unless we deal with this *now*.

There’s no point having *yet another meeting*. We don’t need Action Points, we need Actions!

What I propose is this: Washington’s project splits off and forms its own Programme. No slavish adherence to the Central Management Matrix, no Proof of Concept then 6 months of designers making that sucking noise through their teeth and then finally paying somebody else to bespoke the bloody thing.

Fact: if we don’t produce a viable proposition to present to the market place within 6 months, Francorp.fr is going to beat us to it. They’re still out for blood after we made them look idiots at the Paris conference last year (because that one was *never* going to come back and bite us. Own goal, dudes).

I think we all need to give Washington the space he needs to meet this challenge. It’s common sense, to be honest.

Tom Paine
Head Of Marketing

It always goes darkest just before it goes pitch black.


TO:                   All
FROM:            G.Washington
SUBJECT:    Declaration of Independent Programme “UnStatAm”

Hello everyone,
By now you’ll have heard that we’ve decided to push ahead with securing our own funding and setting up our our Programme structure without seeking the approval of the Executive committee. Certainly it’s a risk – but one we feel compelled to take.

For too long now we have struggled under the yoke of bureaucracy. I was brought on board as a Project Manager with but one remit: to deliver this proposal within the timescale defined. Recently, the traditional way of doing things has become an unacceptable millstone to struggle on with. Therefore, for the good of all the excellent, hard-working people who have poured their hearts and minds into this proposition – who truly believe it can be done – we have decided to take the grave but necessary step of declaring procedural autonomy, under the new Programme name UnStatAm.

(This is apparently short for Unfortunate Statistical Ambiguities. I think it’s some kind of IT team insider joke, and now we’re stuck with it. I wanted to call it Yorktown, after the strangest dream I had).

From this point forward, all thirteen workstreams answer to me. In turn, I answer to our newly appointed Executive Steering Group and a number of sponsors I am not at liberty to divulge the names of. We will use our own diary system. We will book our own external meeting rooms. We will bring in our own headed paper.

Please understand that I deeply regret having to take this somewhat militant course of action, but my hands are tied because my hands are tied. If you see what I mean. Such Intolerable Acts of negligence and stonewalling could not go unanswered were I to continue to execute my Corporate duty as a member of this company. And by God I intend to execute my Corporate duty, come what may.


“Doing 7 impossible things before breakfast isn’t possible. Deal with it”.


TO:                   Executive Board
FROM:            Chief Executive
SUBJECT:    What the hell

Can this guy actually do this?


:                Chief Executive
FROM:          Head Of Accounting
SUBJECT:    Re. What the hell

Technically yes, but it’ll be a rough ride for him. I don’t rate his chances.


TO:                  Operations
FROM:           Chief Executive
SUBJECT:    Pull The Plug

I want the rug out from under this jackass. That’s an order.


TO:                   Chief Executive
FROM:            Director Of Operations
SUBJECT:    Re. Pull The Plug

Personally I rather admire what he’s doing. But my personal opinion doesn’t come into this. Unluckily for you, the official line mirrors my personal opinion. He’s technically done nothing wrong and has stayed well within the procedural code – see. 452.18.ii (2).

Therefore I won’t lift a finger.

With sincere regret oozing from every pore,

Have a nice day (and Good Luck).

“Sometimes the only way to solve a morale problem is to fire all the unhappy people”.


TO:                   Business Realignment
FROM:            Chief Executive
SUBJECT:    Re. Declaration of Independent Programme “UnStatAm”

I’ve copied you in on GW’s e-mail to give you a brief outline. Give me your biggest gun. We’re talking not even dental records.


TO:                   Chief Executive
FROM:            Acting Head Of Business Realignment
SUBJECT:    Re. Re. Declaration of Independent Programme “UnStatAm”

Certainly. I’ve had a word with HR – Bill Howe can start with you Monday.


to be cont.

Image: jcolman