US Issues Worldwide Alert Over Doing Basically Anything

MikeachimLunacy, Travel2 Comments

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Following recent events in Europe, the US has issued a worldwide alert for its citizens in response to “nonspecific and undefined threats from doing extremely common things”.

The State Department said “current information” suggested that “doing basically anything carries with it some level of risk, therefore we suggest that you remain vigilant for the rest of your life,” adding that the safest course of action was to “do as little as possible.”

Accompanying the statement was a report citing a number of “extremely worrying” activities that carry an equal or greater risk than international terrorism, including:

The worldwide alert, it said, will remain in place until people stop dying, “period”.

It also announced the introduction of new bills aimed at quarantining people with head-colds for up to 6 months, restricting access to furniture higher than 20 cm (200 mm) above floor level, and banning mobile phones, food and weather.

It also advised safety-conscious citizens to start using bivvy-bags at home instead of beds, adding that “security and comfort don’t always overlap”.

(With thanks/apologies to the BBC.)

Image: Ben Smith.

  • omg, I should just stay in my house forever now except EVERYTHING IN HERE WANTS TO KILL ME TOO D-:

    • INCLUDING LIFE ITSELF. Nobody escapes it alive. ;) Which is the best argument I’ve heard for making the most of it.