Following recent events in Europe, the US has issued a worldwide alert for its citizens in response to “nonspecific and undefined threats from doing extremely common things”.
The State Department said “current information” suggested that “doing basically anything carries with it some level of risk, therefore we suggest that you remain vigilant for the rest of your life,” adding that the safest course of action was to “do as little as possible.”
Accompanying the statement was a report citing a number of “extremely worrying” activities that carry an equal or greater risk than international terrorism, including:
- The ‘flu (approx. 36,000 deaths a year in the US alone)
- Accidentally tipped-over furniture (40,000 injuries, 30 deaths a year in the US)
- Eating the wrong kind of food in the wrong quantities (120,000 deaths a year)
- Texting while driving (6,000 deaths a year)
- Bang-sticks (some utterly insane number)
- Freezing or overheating because of crappy weather (around 2,000 mortalities per annum)
- Falling out of bed (450 deaths per year)
The worldwide alert, it said, will remain in place until people stop dying, “period”.
It also announced the introduction of new bills aimed at quarantining people with head-colds for up to 6 months, restricting access to furniture higher than 20 cm (200 mm) above floor level, and banning mobile phones, food and weather.
It also advised safety-conscious citizens to start using bivvy-bags at home instead of beds, adding that “security and comfort don’t always overlap”.
(With thanks/apologies to the BBC.)
Image: Ben Smith.