There’s a lot of ways to travel these days.
I just can’t keep up with all the different types of tourism and all the neologisms people have invented to describe things that are amply covered by existing words. (Take the arrival of “gocation”, the opposite of “staycation”. That one hurt).
However, I keep my ear to the ground.
Check these out. Next big thing, ‘kay?
It’s all the rage. It’s the ultimate macho way to camp. It’s CRAMPING (an elegant marriage of “crap” and “camping”).
Here’s a typical press release:
“Men! Ask yourself – does camping make me look manly? Answer – no. Nowadays any effete fool can fling up a dome tent or thread a guy rope through a bar-stitched point. They say it’s ‘for the best’. They say it’s ‘good’ to make camping easier. Easier? This is womanly thinking. Women want to humilate men, to rob them of their godgiven right to demonstrate brute strength and imply fecundity of the loins by accidentally hammering a tent peg through their foot (and similar indicators of masculinity).
And let’s not even begin with glamping, eh, guys?
So, modern camping. It’s wimpy. It’s wrong. It stops here. Gather round, men! There’s a new way, a better way to spend the night under canvas!
Picture this.
1) You arrive at campsite reception to be kept waiting for 2 hours, frustration furrowing your brow. Then you hand over an excessive amount of money for an ancient A-frame tent riddled with scabrous holes, galloping mould and perished rubber guys that explode under the puniest strain. Your woman will cling to you with horror at the sight of it! RAAAR! You are strong!
2)Then you’ll be led away by a surly, uncommunicative campsite administrator to a patch of tractor-churned quagmire – your home for the night. Your guide will then wait to be tipped with whatever money you have left in your pockets and/or wallet.
3) But there’s more! Once you have succeeded in creating something analogous to a fully-pitched tent, a herd of Highland bulls will be herded into the vicinity with klaxons and smoke grenades.
4) Campsite staff will continue to keep things lively throughout the night with loud music, car headlights and refrigerated power-hoses played against the side of your dwelling, paying special attention to the patch of ground you’ll crawl over when you emerge in the morning.
Optional extras: for a pre-arranged fee, game dogs will be encouraged to copulate against the tent wall / marksmen will attempt to shoot through guy ropes with ‘noisemaker’ rounds / local communities will assemble to sing “Kumbaya” and “The Happy Wanderer”, accompanied by a heavily amplified skiffle band.
Throughout, you will broadcast your mettle by remaining positive and confident that you’ll mentally and physically survive the night, despite the apparent evidence to the contrary.
You will be MAN.
Can you really afford to truly miss the ultimate gender-reinforcing holiday?”
Note: Unfortunately cramping has as yet failed to take a hold in the UK, as many campsites offer these services as standard for no additional fee.
If extreme travel just isn’t extreme enough for you…welcome to the exciting, dangerous world of BUNGEE CLIMBING!
“With an elasticated cord tethering you to the ground, attempt to scale obstacles without being plucked screaming off them! Test your mettle against climbing walls, enjoying the thrilling agony and panic of those last few feet. Then, if you survive, work your way up to local mountain peaks before saving up for the ultimate bungee-climbing experience – Everest, without oxygen and under massive tension!
Please note, we only recommend using an experienced bungee climbing team that can accurately judge the length of cord you’ll need for a both achievable and challenging climb. You may have read about recent (largely sensationalist) reports in the popular media of low-quality cords parting under high pressure, catapulting the shrieking climbers off the other side of the mountain. This is inflammatory and misleading. The air’s far too thin up there to make any real noise.”
Spurred on by the boom in “Eat Pray Love” tourism, here’s the next big thing…the ESL EXPERIENCE!
“Based on Lynn Truss’s popular grammar-busting book Eats Shoots And Leaves, the ESL Experience takes you around the world in a quest to find the world’s most obvious spelling mistakes.
For those seeking instant gratification, the Home Tour takes you round London and New York, kitting you out with a chauffeur-driven car, a megaphone, a spray-can and a large marker pen – everything you need to ridicule and correct spelling mistakes you find, whether on restaurant menus, shop signs, billboards or people’s clothing. (We can’t always guarantee the locals will respond favourably, but remember – bad spelling is a sign they’re ignorant, so it’s for their own good).
And for the more adventurous, take the Away Tour to learn a new language so you can use your new knowledge to belitte and correct an entirely different culture, making the world a better place!
Note: as other cultures can be less open-minded about their own grammar, your car will be armour-plated and your chauffeur will be ex-SAS.”
Note: oh blimey, it’s been done.
No full-length press release as yet for STEREOTOURISM (“Ever gone abroad and been disappointed that your smallminded prejudices about other cultures don’t fit reality? We’re here to help!”) or GEOCRASHING (“Smash your car into the side of a stranger’s house! It’s the fun new GPS-assisted real-world player-vs-player sensation from the team that brought you World Of Walmart“).
I’ll update you when I know more.